Black Cat

Hi there! I hope everyone enjoyed their Holiday weekend... I know the Mister and I did! We don't really observe the Holiday so instead we took a fun little Sunday road trip to Bastrop where we drove around the most charming little town. We saw the most beautiful historical houses and homes and even found some really fun places to have some future photo sessions. 

It was sprinkling the whole time we were in Bastrop so we didn't get a chance to hop out of the car and take a walk around but we did manage to get some coffee before we headed back towards Austin. On our way back we spotted this very fun and vintage looking firework outlet and decided that it was a good opportunity to take a few pictures. 

Of course it was closed because of Easter Sunday so we had the whole lot to ourselves. I was super excited about the fact that I could (once more) fit into this vintage dress that my old friend Cate had let me have long ago. It's literally been maybe four years since I rocked this dress. At my heaviest I could squeeze into it but my arms barely fit into the sleeves and it looked all sorts of wrong. The Husbear later told me that he remembered not being able to even zip it up on me! The dress had been hanging in my guest room closet along with all the other clothes that I couldn't fit into. So of course I was completely delighted (and almost shed a tear) that I could fit into it with room to spare! 

I've really worked hard to reach this point.... especially in the last month. Why it wasn't even more than about a year and a half ago that I was at my heaviest pushing 145. I hated my job and was sick physically and mentally... I was not in a good place in my life. I decided that if I was going to be happy with myself and in life that I'd have to make some very profound changes. Some of you may have heard this before as it's still an on going journey of mine.... 

At that point in my life I was literally fighting to save myself. I was having tons of mini visual seizures throughout the day. My face and limbs would go numb and I felt completely disconnected from my body and reality. I grew very depressed and turned to alcohol to numb my pain. A lot of people don't fully understand what I was actually going through... I covered it behind smiles and humour but I was literally dying inside. It was hard to even hold conversations with people and I couldn't even read anymore. The anti seizure medications I was on made it so hard to concentrate and the side effects were worse than actually having seizures themselves. I lost almost all quality of life and even remember telling my Husband that I wished that I was dead. That was rock bottom for me...

The good news is there IS a happy ending to this story. I decided that if I was going to survive I was going to have to make some changes and I did! Together my Husband and I decided that the best thing for me and us as a family was for me to leave my job. I was so severely stressed out (having seizures) and depressed that I wasn't even able to go to work let alone get out of bed most days anyhow... so I turned in my two weeks notice and decided that I'd do what I loved doing most in life.... crocheting for my little side business Nothing but a Pigeon. I was already doing in part time and it seemed like the only logical thing to do. I could work from the comfort of my own home and focus on getting healthy again. That was our main goal... was to get me back to where I was before and be able to function as a normal and healthy person. 

So the last year and a half I strove to make positive changes in my life. I basically got rid of everyone and everything that was having or creating a negative impact on my life. Not a few months after I quit my horrible job did my seizures and other symptoms start to trickle away. My visual seizures and everyday distortions (see Alice in Wonderland Syndrome) stopped altogether and I slowly started to live again. I was happier and didn't even want to drink alcohol or over eat like I used to. Turns out my job was indeed that horrible enough to cause me and my body to go into severe stress and panic... hence the visual seizures and diagnoses of Epilepsy. 

Over the last year or so I've worked my ass off to become a healthy and happy person. I changed all my bad habits around and started to count calories and workout everyday! Why The Mister even joined in so we could become fit and healthy together. It was hard and some days I wanted to give up because I wasn't seeing the results I wanted... but I stuck with it and stayed the course and slowly but surely the pounds melted away. I too became happier and much more pleasant to be around. I saw hope that I once last and was actually loving life once more. I actually can say that I'm really happy with myself now and truly love myself. If you'd met me a few years ago, I don't think I'd be able to say that. I was truly a miserable and depressed person. 

I never thought I'd loose all the weight that I'd gained over the course of those three horrible years that I was ill and not able to workout.... but I made it happen with hard work and determination! It really is possible to change your life around if you really want it bad enough. It's not really even about the weight (that's just a bonus) it's about being physically and mentally fit and healthy. As you can see The Mister has even lost a substantial amount of weight and is happier in life as well. We even enjoy working out together and preparing and cooking our healthy food at home. 

I'm so lucky that I had my Husband that stood by me and supported me in all my decisions. He has supported me financially and emotionally when I decided to leave my job and that has even helped me grow my little side business Nothing but a Pigeon into a full time gig. I seriously could not have done it without him! It was hard for him to see me sick and to take care of me all those years. He literally drove me around everywhere (they took my license away). I was also kind of a horrible person to be around sometimes. We made it through the storm though and I have to say we are much closer and stronger than we ever were before because of it. We definitely have a clearer view on life and appreciate/value things and each other so much more now because of the hardships we have fought. 

I know, I know.... I'm totally rambling on now. I know a lot of you have already heard my story, but it's so important for me to share with everyone. I want other people to know that anything is possible if you put your mind to it... you CAN literally accomplish anything.

There's more! I have really exciting news!!! It's official... I'm going to be an Author! Eeeeeeeep! 

Nothing but a Pigeon has been going strong now full time for over a year or so and I've always wanted to write a crochet pattern book (as some of you may already know). I wanted to expand my crochet business and not only sell online, in boutiques as well as participating in shows but in other areas too. I'm so glad that I decided to go this route and am about to sign with a fabulous Publishing Company!! More on that later.....

For now, I'm focusing hard on loosing those last few pounds in order to get to my goal weight and then I'll see from there... I may just keep loosing! I'm also pushing myself really hard this month to not only write down my patterns but to have enough stock (taxi heads) for three HUGE upcoming shows in May! I'm really excited and nervous as well... I'll be traveling with some of my most favorite crafty lady friends to Dallas for Etsy Dallas and to Arkansas for The Little Craft Show. I can't forget 

The Renegade Craft Fair in Austin.... it'll be on the east side of town this year. Exciting things are on the horizon!!!

Whew! I know that was a long post. Congrats if you made it all the way through to the end of my story. Ha! I just wanted to share a little BIG piece of my life with you all in hopes that it may inspire you or someone you know to make some positive changes in their lives. I do love a good success story... don't you? I would love to hear your thoughts and even answer all your questions about my journey and my diagnoses of the vary rare "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome"... it's a real thing!!! I try to respond and reply back to all my comments and really do value them! Hope everyone had a great weekend!

xoxo

Dress: Recycled Vintage by Cate Donohue

Boots: Thrifted

Hat: Forever 21

Living with Ghosts....

Happy Monday kittens! I'm back and more alive than ever. It's time to dust off the cobwebs because this girl feels like she's been living in a cave for the past few months! Whew! This Holiday Season has been swell... really good in fact! My little crochet business is thriving.... doors are really starting to open up for me and all my hard work is finally paying off. It feels amazing. I seriously haven't been this happy in years! Nothing is more rewarding than good, honest hard work. I'm finally doing something that I love and am passionate about and that alone is priceless. 

In other news, I recently re-connected with a very dear, long lost family friend. It has been way too long since we've talked but it seems like the perfect time to rekindle our friendship. I'm really looking forward to see how our relationship develops and grows from here....

It seems like "huge leaps" or "monumental steps" have been occurring in my life right now... Everything that is happening to me seems to be a major "life event" to mark down in the ol' calendar. I think because it's been so long since I've been healthy (physically and mentally) that the steps that I've taken to get to this point in my life have been  have been difficult yet crucial. I know I ramble on about how ill I was but until you don't have your health (which is truly everything) then you really don't know what you've lost. Not only was I dealing with a debilitating syndrome 

(Alice in Wonderland Syndrome) for the past three years of my life but before that I was dealing with a much greater hardship than that....

I've never talked about this before online but I think it's all part of the healing process so here we go. Before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, before I was having stress induced seizures (partly due to my horrible job working for the city) my Husband and I were dealing with Infertility issues. My Infertility. It's really hard to talk about still and I have so many thoughts and emotions on the subject that change day by day... I've stayed pretty quiet about it except with my sister and close friends that have been there for me and have seen me go through the treatments. I was just thinking about it the other day... that nearly eight or seven years ago we were trying to conceive. We tried on and off for the first year or 

so (I mean really tried... trust me we did our research) with no success. I was so sure I would conceive right away as my Mom did but I obviously didn't. I knew in my heart there was something wrong with me... I also knew because I was using those ovulation test strips and noticed that I never was actually ovulating at all. 

It was a very hard year for us in Ohio at that time. The ups and downs of trying to make a baby every month and the horrible winters in Ohio that seem to never end plus my family life felt like it was falling apart right ibefore my eyes. We decided the best thing for us was to pack up and move to Austin, Texas where the sun is always shinning. We would try to make a fresh start, with new jobs, friends and family (Matt's Brother and wife Cindy). We put our lives on hold for that first year while we settled in and I found work and Matt got used to his new job as an Architect at a local Firm. After that year we thought we would give it another go. This time I went to a Fertility Specialist  (one of the best) whom was referred to me by my sister in law. He had helped two of her friends conceive and I just knew that was the next step for me in the baby making process. 

I booked my appointment where we got all the proper tests and blood work done. We did soooo many tests. I've never been poked or prodded so much in my entire life that I did over the course of our entire treatment. I was put on put on a form of Clomid to induce ovulation and we gave it about a year 

(give or take) trying naturally (the old fashioned way) with no success. More tests and some investigation showed that I had a small polyp in my uterus possibly making it hard for a fertilized egg to implant... so that had to come out. I had  Laparoscopy procedure preformed both vaginally and through my belly button which truly hurt like a bitch! With an endoscope they also discovered that I had endometriosis as well and had to burn out all the scar tissue that had built up over the years and removed the grape sized polyp. Not only was I in pain physically but my sister in law was now pregnant with her first child. I was so happy for her but inside I felt like dying. The day after my surgery she had her baby shower which I attended (still on pain medicine). I wanted to go to support her and for some reason I felt I had to show other people that I was okay and not bitter. I can't even explain or begin to describe the overwhelming sadness I felt over the course of that year. Not to mention that I was now getting hormone injections both by nurses and by Matt at home in order to help me ovulate. I felt so alone... I felt that nobody understood what I was going through and Matt didn't know what to say or do. I felt angry all the time and sank deep into depression. I lost almost all communication with my Husband that year.... it felt as though we were two strangers living under the same roof. I'm sure he felt helpless and I was seriously not in my right mind. I started to drink a lot... I think just to numb the pain I was feeling. It was a very sad time in my life... I did things and said things that I regret... nothing so horrible that our marriage didn't survive though... I was just a douche in general to Matt. 

I think a year or so passed by.... it's all kinda fuzzy now. I had yet another surgery to remove another polyp that had developed over the course of that year. We were still trying to conceive and repair our failing marriage. I literally felt I had no one to talk to. My own Mother and Father didn't even really do much to reach out to me.... it was very hurtful. I remember at one point texting my sister because I was feeling particularly shitty and low that day and told her that I felt like "hurting myself"... she called right away and we just talked it out. I've always kind of been a depressed person my whole life... I think it's inherited and I'm sure I also have some weird brain chemistry going as well. It's always something I've had to keep in check. I don't think I was on any anti -anxiety medication or any form of anti- depression meds at the time and I was also getting huge doses of hormones on a regular basis.... I literally thought I was going crazy some days. I mean I basically was. The final and last attempt to conceive was when we tried the IVI process. I had such high hopes again at this point... mind you we had already spent thousands and thousands of dollars and had made a HUGE dent in our credit cards form all my surgeries and fertility procedures (which was just another thing to fight about). Waiting those two weeks to see if your pregnant is the craziest two weeks of your life. Try doing that over and over again only to get your period and be let down. It was basically like that every single month... a huge roller coaster of emotions only to be crushed... and then do it all over again. So needless to say, the IVI procedure didn't take and I decided then that I was finished for good. I couldn't take anymore hormone treatments.... I was so "out of control" as it was (emotionally) and our marriage still felt like it was on the rocks. I just wanted us to be "okay" again. We haven't tried since then.... although it crossed my mind a few times. Years have passed (almost six) and our marriage is stronger than ever. We made it through some huge struggles and decided that we are okay with being childless. Before any of you ask.... "What about adoption or fostering? We have come to the decision of being childless based on what we both want in life as of now. I want to be healthy and mentally stable... I want our marriage to be the most important thing we focus on right now. I just want to feel alive again and live life according to our rules and not what someone else dictates our life should be. Who knows what the future holds for us. As of right now we are planning our lives without children which is just fine by us. We have two little nephews that we adore and life is good ya know?!

It still hurts every now and then... especially when people tell you that they are expecting. I think that's what I'm sad about the most, is that I'll never know what it's like to have a baby grow inside of me.... but life goes on and I'm learning more and more about myself day by day. I know now that "everything will be okay." You adapt to things and slowly... before you know it you become whole again. 

There's no book out there that helps you cope with infertility (trust me I've looked). They are mainly books about procedures and what to expect physically. Nobody can really tell you what you will experience emotionally. I wish there was a support group that I could have gone to. There were times that I wish my Mom had called to talk to me or to even just listen.... that's all I really wanted or felt I needed. Through it all Matt has been there for me.. he has loved me at my worst and stood by my side and for that I am thankful. Some marriages don't make it through the woes of infertility.... ours just so happened to come out stronger in the end. Life is a journey and I'm learning to open up and let some of the more vulnerable parts show. I think there is something so beautiful and honest about being vulnerable. This was another crazy long post... if you've made it to this point in the post and have any questions I'd love to hear them. I truly value all my comments and try to respond back to each and every one of them.

xoxo

Dress: Thrifted

Shoes: Target

Knee Socks: Target

Indian Summer

Oh well Hello There! I'm such a happy gal right now.... have you ever had one of those moments in life where everything just seems to all fall into place? I've been having one of those moments for the past week and it's been surreal to say the least.

Life is pretty good right now... I have no complaints. It's pretty cray cray for me to think that this time (just one year ago) I made the biggest and one of the scariest decisions in my little old life. I decided to pack it up and quit my full time city position in order to pursure my dream of running my own business. It was something that I had always wanted to do and was always in the back of my mind but I was either not financially fit to leave my city job or was too sick (that's a whole other story). So I stayed and was miserable and grew more and more ill (not just physically but mentally). 

It got to a point that the stress of my position was so severe that I was having uncontrolled visual seizures and  was diagnosed with Epilepsy and was put on nine different seizure medications. I was told that this is what my life was going to be like and that was that. I quickly sank into a deep depresion which made matters worse. At that point I was having these visual seizures for a little over two years... I expeirenced visual hallucinations and distortions on a daily bases. Everyday, all day, 24 hours I felt like I was "tripping on acid". My world was upside down. The type of Epilepsy they diagnosed me with is called "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" or also known as "Todd's Syndrome". I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy... that what I was experiencing was real but also sad because yet again I had to endure another physical ailment and I felt that I had already been through so much in the past. 

(More on that later.)

I was a wreck... and the side effects of my anti-seizure medications were horrible. I couldn't think clearly at all. They managed to cut down the amount of visual seizures I had in a day but not the everyday distortions. The walls and floors appeared bowed out... like I was living in a fish tank. Objects looked like they were moving when they really weren't. I didn't drive for a little over a year so I realied on Matt and friends from work which I felt guilty about. I couldn't even function at work because my side effects from the medication was so intense that I found it hard to even hold a conversation or type or talk on the phone (which is about 95% of what I did at work). I couldn't even read anymore.... forget working out. My quality of life was zero, at some points I didn't even want to live anymore because living was just so hard. 

I gained about 25 pounds over the course of those three years (which made me even more depressed). I was a wreck and the worst part about it was that I felt my Doctor's weren't listening to me. I had lost all hope in life and turned to alcohol to numb the pain. I didn't go crazy on the alcohol or anything... lets just say I drank a lot of wine every night which also didn't help my depression. I swear there is a happy ending guys... I'm getting to that part.

The other day I came across some journals that I was writing in over those last three years and was shocked to read how depressed and how horrible my life was. Every entry was so sad... I could barely read them. I was such an unhappy person and I really don't think my friends or family ever really knew just how hard things were for me... how hard living really was. I mean how could they ya know? I literally had no quality of life. When I say I was depressed... I mean I was a functioning depressed person. I still got up, showered and did everything (that I could do) to make it through the day. I smiled through it all even when I didn't want to... so I think it was hard for people to comprehend the hurt and pain I was going through on a daily basis.

So here's the happy part... this is how I changed my life around. I made a plan... I decided that I didn't want to live this type of life any longer. I slowly weened myself off of my anti-seizure medication (totally don't do this unless talking to your doctor first). I worked hard on my little crochet business (which was a fun side business at the time) It was probably the only thing that kept me happy besides Matt and some really close friends cheering me on from the sidelines. I begged Matt to let me quit my job over the course of that last year... and finally were at a point that we thought the time was right and I put in my "two week notice." It was the best feeling in the world. I have to say... I felt a HUGE weight being lifted from my chest.

Over the next year I worked my ass off trying to get my crochet taxidermy into local stores and boutiques. I built a customer base, tried to apply to every craft show and art fair that I could. 

I re-vamped my Etsy store which really helped  and really just put myself out there. I literally walked into stores and showed people my work and made "cold calls"... I did everything I could and it slowely started paying off. 

Little by little my seizures and distortions started to go away. I was able to start jogging and working out again. I always ate pretty well... so that wasn't a real big issue but the drinking was. The funny thing is was that I was happy now and I didn't even really feel the need to drink anymore. Don't get me wrong... I still love my wine but I no longer drink to get drunk anymore which is a big thing! I slowly started to shead those pounds and little by little transformed into the woman I was before. I don't think I'll ever be as tiny as I was before but honestly I'm cool with that.... I actually have muscle now! 

It's hard to image my life before... it's actually strange really. I can't believe all that ever happened to me... it's like I was watching it happen from the outside looking in. Like I was watching a really bad Lifetime movie or something. I literally feel like I lost three years of my life... those I can never get back. To think it was all caused by severe stress most likely due to a horrible work enviroment and a few tragic life events piled on top of that. My point is... is that the body does strange things when under severe stress and depression. I knew in my heart that I couldn't live like that and I thank the stars above that I was given a second chance in life. 

Now I want to make up for those three years that I lost so I am livin' life to the fullest. I am such a happy go lucky person at heart but somewhere I lost that hope and stopped living my life to it's upmost potential. I really think you just have to never loose hope and have faith in yourself. I was lucky to have Matt and a few close friends at my side throughout my whole ordel. I don't really talk about my personal life all that much or go into deep detail about the hardships that I've experienced in life but I recently had a dear old friend contact me out of the blue in search of advice and help because she too is going through a similar situation and read a little bit about my past experience with stress and or depression on my blog and was looking to talk. First of all... let me just say that I'm amazed sometimes that people actually read my blog and secondly that I could be "that person" to help another person in a time of need. I would never have thought that my personal experiences would ever trigger some spark of emotion or connection in anyone else. Of course I was happy to help out and listen to her story... heck, I wish there was someone out there that I could have reached out to in my time of need but there really wasn't. There was no manual or book writen on how to deal with the emotional aspect of my Epilepsy. Yes there were support groups but what I was going through was so different than what other patients who are diagnosed with Epilepsy go through.... so I felt I couldn't relate.

That is all in the past now... I'm ready to close that chapter in my life. I want to be the best person I can be stress free! I make my own rules in life and live by my own code. I know... what a crazy story right? If you even made it to this point in my post.... lol! In a year I have completely changed.... I worked for it and will continue to pursue my goals and dreams. I'm excited to see what I can acheive over the course of this next year. Life really is bitter sweet and I guess it's true that you can't have the bad without the good. I know now that the body and mind is reziliant. Life is what you make of it... we are only on this Earth for a short while and I intend to take advantage of every moment. Every sunrise and sunset... every shooting star.

I hope (if anyone reads this horribly long winded story) that my story may help inspire others to reach out and share their stories with others as well. I want to continue to be honest with an open mind and open heart when writing my posts. I would also love to hear other peoples stories as well and hopefully we can continue to inspire one another. 

As you can see I'm extremely happy in these images.... I'm so looking forward to this Holiday Season full of love and laughter with good friends and family. I hope everyone else is having a great week as well. Thanks for stopping by my little ol' bloggy. 

xoxo

Dress: Thrifted

Cardigan: Francesscas

Boots: Target

Hat: Target

Sunnies: A-Town

Necklace: Poppy & Fern

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Lenny's Alice in Wonderland site

So it's been quite sometime since I last posted on my Blog. It's been a rough 5 months in my Wonderland. A few months back I was diagnosed with "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" also known as "Todd's Syndrome". Basically I have been suffering from "Partial Seizures" that have mainly been effecting how I perceive the world around me. Hallways seem longer or shorter than they actually are. The walls may look bowed out, the ground looks bubbled. Right after I experience the initial seizure my speech becomes impaired, I feel very tired and worn out. See Epilepsy 101 for more details.

Lenny's Alice in Wonderland site

It's interesting to know that Lewis Carroll Author of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and also "Trough the Looking-Glass"was probably writing about his own temporal lobe seizures. The very sensation initiating Alice' adventures- that of falling down a hole- is a familiar one to many people with seizures. Alice often feels that her own body (or the objects around her) is shrinking or growing before her eyes, another seizure symptom. Carroll recorded his seizures, which were followed by prolonged headaches and feeling not his usual self, in his journal.

Lenny's Alice in Wonderland site