I've been is a rut for the past few days. It happens sometimes....I feel like I'm being stretched too thin and I can't get things (life) under control. I get really bad anxiety where my mind races and I can't stop thinking.... I get nervous over the most ridiculous things. I take walks and medication to keep it under control but sometimes it's not enough. I've been depressed my whole life, since I can remember. I think that some people are born with chemical imbalances.... some people don't believe that though. All I know is that since I was a little girl I've struggled with low self esteem and ADD. My family and I decided that it would be best for me to try medication. A lot of people are against medication, but it's something that we all discussed as a family and decided it was the best for me. I've always been on some form of antidepressant. I use it in combination with exercise and I have other hobbies that keep me occupied. I try hard to strive to make myself the best person I can be. I make myself get out of bed when I feel as though I can't. I put on my cutest outfit when I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I go to work and put on a smile when I feel like crying... I do all of that because I know that's what I need to do to keep my world turning. I have a wonderful support system, my husband that has known me for 10 years... that has seen me at my lowest low and still loves me. My parents and sister that have put up with me my whole life and know how to handle my moods. My friends that are every understanding and are always there for me when I need to talk. It comes and goes and sometimes is worse than the last time. It sometimes happens for days or weeks at a time and I have to keep telling myself that I am strong and I can get through it. It's hard because not everyone knows this about me... only my close friends and family. People see me and assume that I'm a happy person that I have everything going for me..... that I'm outgoing and talented. They don't know that inside I feel hopeless and like giving up. I don't feel like this all the time but when I do it hits hard. I do try my best to keep it under control but I do believe that without medication and the help of friends and family I wouldn't be where I am today. If you know anyone that is dealing with depression or if your are struggling with your own thoughts and feelings please don't be scared to seek help. Depression should not be taken lightly, it is a serious condition and there is no shame in seeking help. If you are suffering from depression please talk to a friend or Doctor. I know this sounds like a commercial but the fact is that dealing with it on your own may not be the best idea.
How fitting these images are. It was a gloomy day for me at Mueller Park. It was actually a beautiful day and I was thinking as I was walking that I should document Mueller Park and how I take walks there to make myself relax and clear my mind. I choose the wrong roll of film in my Hipstamatic App on my i phone or didn't know that it was set for the "Dali" film mode and snapped away. When I got back home I discovered what I had done and thought it was funny that the pictures matched my mood. I hate to bum people out but this is me being real. It's raw... it's scary but it's all true and it's all me. I hope that this reaches others out there that are dealing with the same issues that I am and have been for some time now. Just know that you are not the only one that goes through this. People just need a little boost sometimes and there is no shame in that. I welcome comments and if any needs any information on how to deal with their emotions or need any reach out groups please e-mail me.... Taylorheldenbrand@gmail.com
XOXO
