Oh well Hello There! I'm such a happy gal right now.... have you ever had one of those moments in life where everything just seems to all fall into place? I've been having one of those moments for the past week and it's been surreal to say the least.
Life is pretty good right now... I have no complaints. It's pretty cray cray for me to think that this time (just one year ago) I made the biggest and one of the scariest decisions in my little old life. I decided to pack it up and quit my full time city position in order to pursure my dream of running my own business. It was something that I had always wanted to do and was always in the back of my mind but I was either not financially fit to leave my city job or was too sick (that's a whole other story). So I stayed and was miserable and grew more and more ill (not just physically but mentally).
It got to a point that the stress of my position was so severe that I was having uncontrolled visual seizures and was diagnosed with Epilepsy and was put on nine different seizure medications. I was told that this is what my life was going to be like and that was that. I quickly sank into a deep depresion which made matters worse. At that point I was having these visual seizures for a little over two years... I expeirenced visual hallucinations and distortions on a daily bases. Everyday, all day, 24 hours I felt like I was "tripping on acid". My world was upside down. The type of Epilepsy they diagnosed me with is called "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" or also known as "Todd's Syndrome". I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy... that what I was experiencing was real but also sad because yet again I had to endure another physical ailment and I felt that I had already been through so much in the past.
(More on that later.)
I was a wreck... and the side effects of my anti-seizure medications were horrible. I couldn't think clearly at all. They managed to cut down the amount of visual seizures I had in a day but not the everyday distortions. The walls and floors appeared bowed out... like I was living in a fish tank. Objects looked like they were moving when they really weren't. I didn't drive for a little over a year so I realied on Matt and friends from work which I felt guilty about. I couldn't even function at work because my side effects from the medication was so intense that I found it hard to even hold a conversation or type or talk on the phone (which is about 95% of what I did at work). I couldn't even read anymore.... forget working out. My quality of life was zero, at some points I didn't even want to live anymore because living was just so hard.
I gained about 25 pounds over the course of those three years (which made me even more depressed). I was a wreck and the worst part about it was that I felt my Doctor's weren't listening to me. I had lost all hope in life and turned to alcohol to numb the pain. I didn't go crazy on the alcohol or anything... lets just say I drank a lot of wine every night which also didn't help my depression. I swear there is a happy ending guys... I'm getting to that part.
The other day I came across some journals that I was writing in over those last three years and was shocked to read how depressed and how horrible my life was. Every entry was so sad... I could barely read them. I was such an unhappy person and I really don't think my friends or family ever really knew just how hard things were for me... how hard living really was. I mean how could they ya know? I literally had no quality of life. When I say I was depressed... I mean I was a functioning depressed person. I still got up, showered and did everything (that I could do) to make it through the day. I smiled through it all even when I didn't want to... so I think it was hard for people to comprehend the hurt and pain I was going through on a daily basis.
So here's the happy part... this is how I changed my life around. I made a plan... I decided that I didn't want to live this type of life any longer. I slowly weened myself off of my anti-seizure medication (totally don't do this unless talking to your doctor first). I worked hard on my little crochet business (which was a fun side business at the time) It was probably the only thing that kept me happy besides Matt and some really close friends cheering me on from the sidelines. I begged Matt to let me quit my job over the course of that last year... and finally were at a point that we thought the time was right and I put in my "two week notice." It was the best feeling in the world. I have to say... I felt a HUGE weight being lifted from my chest.
Over the next year I worked my ass off trying to get my crochet taxidermy into local stores and boutiques. I built a customer base, tried to apply to every craft show and art fair that I could.
I re-vamped my Etsy store which really helped and really just put myself out there. I literally walked into stores and showed people my work and made "cold calls"... I did everything I could and it slowely started paying off.
Little by little my seizures and distortions started to go away. I was able to start jogging and working out again. I always ate pretty well... so that wasn't a real big issue but the drinking was. The funny thing is was that I was happy now and I didn't even really feel the need to drink anymore. Don't get me wrong... I still love my wine but I no longer drink to get drunk anymore which is a big thing! I slowly started to shead those pounds and little by little transformed into the woman I was before. I don't think I'll ever be as tiny as I was before but honestly I'm cool with that.... I actually have muscle now!
It's hard to image my life before... it's actually strange really. I can't believe all that ever happened to me... it's like I was watching it happen from the outside looking in. Like I was watching a really bad Lifetime movie or something. I literally feel like I lost three years of my life... those I can never get back. To think it was all caused by severe stress most likely due to a horrible work enviroment and a few tragic life events piled on top of that. My point is... is that the body does strange things when under severe stress and depression. I knew in my heart that I couldn't live like that and I thank the stars above that I was given a second chance in life.
Now I want to make up for those three years that I lost so I am livin' life to the fullest. I am such a happy go lucky person at heart but somewhere I lost that hope and stopped living my life to it's upmost potential. I really think you just have to never loose hope and have faith in yourself. I was lucky to have Matt and a few close friends at my side throughout my whole ordel. I don't really talk about my personal life all that much or go into deep detail about the hardships that I've experienced in life but I recently had a dear old friend contact me out of the blue in search of advice and help because she too is going through a similar situation and read a little bit about my past experience with stress and or depression on my blog and was looking to talk. First of all... let me just say that I'm amazed sometimes that people actually read my blog and secondly that I could be "that person" to help another person in a time of need. I would never have thought that my personal experiences would ever trigger some spark of emotion or connection in anyone else. Of course I was happy to help out and listen to her story... heck, I wish there was someone out there that I could have reached out to in my time of need but there really wasn't. There was no manual or book writen on how to deal with the emotional aspect of my Epilepsy. Yes there were support groups but what I was going through was so different than what other patients who are diagnosed with Epilepsy go through.... so I felt I couldn't relate.
That is all in the past now... I'm ready to close that chapter in my life. I want to be the best person I can be stress free! I make my own rules in life and live by my own code. I know... what a crazy story right? If you even made it to this point in my post.... lol! In a year I have completely changed.... I worked for it and will continue to pursue my goals and dreams. I'm excited to see what I can acheive over the course of this next year. Life really is bitter sweet and I guess it's true that you can't have the bad without the good. I know now that the body and mind is reziliant. Life is what you make of it... we are only on this Earth for a short while and I intend to take advantage of every moment. Every sunrise and sunset... every shooting star.
I hope (if anyone reads this horribly long winded story) that my story may help inspire others to reach out and share their stories with others as well. I want to continue to be honest with an open mind and open heart when writing my posts. I would also love to hear other peoples stories as well and hopefully we can continue to inspire one another.
As you can see I'm extremely happy in these images.... I'm so looking forward to this Holiday Season full of love and laughter with good friends and family. I hope everyone else is having a great week as well. Thanks for stopping by my little ol' bloggy.
xoxo
Dress: Thrifted
Cardigan: Francesscas
Boots: Target
Hat: Target
Sunnies: A-Town
Necklace: Poppy & Fern
