Happy Monday kittens! I'm back and more alive than ever. It's time to dust off the cobwebs because this girl feels like she's been living in a cave for the past few months! Whew! This Holiday Season has been swell... really good in fact! My little crochet business is thriving.... doors are really starting to open up for me and all my hard work is finally paying off. It feels amazing. I seriously haven't been this happy in years! Nothing is more rewarding than good, honest hard work. I'm finally doing something that I love and am passionate about and that alone is priceless.
In other news, I recently re-connected with a very dear, long lost family friend. It has been way too long since we've talked but it seems like the perfect time to rekindle our friendship. I'm really looking forward to see how our relationship develops and grows from here....
It seems like "huge leaps" or "monumental steps" have been occurring in my life right now... Everything that is happening to me seems to be a major "life event" to mark down in the ol' calendar. I think because it's been so long since I've been healthy (physically and mentally) that the steps that I've taken to get to this point in my life have been have been difficult yet crucial. I know I ramble on about how ill I was but until you don't have your health (which is truly everything) then you really don't know what you've lost. Not only was I dealing with a debilitating syndrome
(Alice in Wonderland Syndrome) for the past three years of my life but before that I was dealing with a much greater hardship than that....
I've never talked about this before online but I think it's all part of the healing process so here we go. Before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, before I was having stress induced seizures (partly due to my horrible job working for the city) my Husband and I were dealing with Infertility issues. My Infertility. It's really hard to talk about still and I have so many thoughts and emotions on the subject that change day by day... I've stayed pretty quiet about it except with my sister and close friends that have been there for me and have seen me go through the treatments. I was just thinking about it the other day... that nearly eight or seven years ago we were trying to conceive. We tried on and off for the first year or
so (I mean really tried... trust me we did our research) with no success. I was so sure I would conceive right away as my Mom did but I obviously didn't. I knew in my heart there was something wrong with me... I also knew because I was using those ovulation test strips and noticed that I never was actually ovulating at all.
It was a very hard year for us in Ohio at that time. The ups and downs of trying to make a baby every month and the horrible winters in Ohio that seem to never end plus my family life felt like it was falling apart right ibefore my eyes. We decided the best thing for us was to pack up and move to Austin, Texas where the sun is always shinning. We would try to make a fresh start, with new jobs, friends and family (Matt's Brother and wife Cindy). We put our lives on hold for that first year while we settled in and I found work and Matt got used to his new job as an Architect at a local Firm. After that year we thought we would give it another go. This time I went to a Fertility Specialist (one of the best) whom was referred to me by my sister in law. He had helped two of her friends conceive and I just knew that was the next step for me in the baby making process.
I booked my appointment where we got all the proper tests and blood work done. We did soooo many tests. I've never been poked or prodded so much in my entire life that I did over the course of our entire treatment. I was put on put on a form of Clomid to induce ovulation and we gave it about a year
(give or take) trying naturally (the old fashioned way) with no success. More tests and some investigation showed that I had a small polyp in my uterus possibly making it hard for a fertilized egg to implant... so that had to come out. I had Laparoscopy procedure preformed both vaginally and through my belly button which truly hurt like a bitch! With an endoscope they also discovered that I had endometriosis as well and had to burn out all the scar tissue that had built up over the years and removed the grape sized polyp. Not only was I in pain physically but my sister in law was now pregnant with her first child. I was so happy for her but inside I felt like dying. The day after my surgery she had her baby shower which I attended (still on pain medicine). I wanted to go to support her and for some reason I felt I had to show other people that I was okay and not bitter. I can't even explain or begin to describe the overwhelming sadness I felt over the course of that year. Not to mention that I was now getting hormone injections both by nurses and by Matt at home in order to help me ovulate. I felt so alone... I felt that nobody understood what I was going through and Matt didn't know what to say or do. I felt angry all the time and sank deep into depression. I lost almost all communication with my Husband that year.... it felt as though we were two strangers living under the same roof. I'm sure he felt helpless and I was seriously not in my right mind. I started to drink a lot... I think just to numb the pain I was feeling. It was a very sad time in my life... I did things and said things that I regret... nothing so horrible that our marriage didn't survive though... I was just a douche in general to Matt.
I think a year or so passed by.... it's all kinda fuzzy now. I had yet another surgery to remove another polyp that had developed over the course of that year. We were still trying to conceive and repair our failing marriage. I literally felt I had no one to talk to. My own Mother and Father didn't even really do much to reach out to me.... it was very hurtful. I remember at one point texting my sister because I was feeling particularly shitty and low that day and told her that I felt like "hurting myself"... she called right away and we just talked it out. I've always kind of been a depressed person my whole life... I think it's inherited and I'm sure I also have some weird brain chemistry going as well. It's always something I've had to keep in check. I don't think I was on any anti -anxiety medication or any form of anti- depression meds at the time and I was also getting huge doses of hormones on a regular basis.... I literally thought I was going crazy some days. I mean I basically was. The final and last attempt to conceive was when we tried the IVI process. I had such high hopes again at this point... mind you we had already spent thousands and thousands of dollars and had made a HUGE dent in our credit cards form all my surgeries and fertility procedures (which was just another thing to fight about). Waiting those two weeks to see if your pregnant is the craziest two weeks of your life. Try doing that over and over again only to get your period and be let down. It was basically like that every single month... a huge roller coaster of emotions only to be crushed... and then do it all over again. So needless to say, the IVI procedure didn't take and I decided then that I was finished for good. I couldn't take anymore hormone treatments.... I was so "out of control" as it was (emotionally) and our marriage still felt like it was on the rocks. I just wanted us to be "okay" again. We haven't tried since then.... although it crossed my mind a few times. Years have passed (almost six) and our marriage is stronger than ever. We made it through some huge struggles and decided that we are okay with being childless. Before any of you ask.... "What about adoption or fostering? We have come to the decision of being childless based on what we both want in life as of now. I want to be healthy and mentally stable... I want our marriage to be the most important thing we focus on right now. I just want to feel alive again and live life according to our rules and not what someone else dictates our life should be. Who knows what the future holds for us. As of right now we are planning our lives without children which is just fine by us. We have two little nephews that we adore and life is good ya know?!
It still hurts every now and then... especially when people tell you that they are expecting. I think that's what I'm sad about the most, is that I'll never know what it's like to have a baby grow inside of me.... but life goes on and I'm learning more and more about myself day by day. I know now that "everything will be okay." You adapt to things and slowly... before you know it you become whole again.
There's no book out there that helps you cope with infertility (trust me I've looked). They are mainly books about procedures and what to expect physically. Nobody can really tell you what you will experience emotionally. I wish there was a support group that I could have gone to. There were times that I wish my Mom had called to talk to me or to even just listen.... that's all I really wanted or felt I needed. Through it all Matt has been there for me.. he has loved me at my worst and stood by my side and for that I am thankful. Some marriages don't make it through the woes of infertility.... ours just so happened to come out stronger in the end. Life is a journey and I'm learning to open up and let some of the more vulnerable parts show. I think there is something so beautiful and honest about being vulnerable. This was another crazy long post... if you've made it to this point in the post and have any questions I'd love to hear them. I truly value all my comments and try to respond back to each and every one of them.
xoxo
Dress: Thrifted
Shoes: Target
Knee Socks: Target
